I change my mind ... I change my mind & that scares me ... cause my decision do not only have an effect on me but also on the people around me ... & I try to settle down & commit to one decision, but I end up changing my mind ... it's not because something happened but I'm always terrified that something would happen ... & I skip the thought that being terrified from it won't help, because no matter how I change my mind anything could happen ... but how am I suppose to convince my mind with that? ... I'm lost like any other girl on earth who over thinks ... I'm just struggling with my mind ... sometimes it gives up on me sometimes it tricks me sometimes it's just clear ... I need someone who would save me from my mind ... I need someone who would make all the thoughts go away ... I need to get away from my mind's explosion & chase away all this depression that comes with it ... I know it's me, it's all due to me, but I can't help it ... all these thoughts that are trying to break through ... I can't stop myself from going into there ... depression sorrow deception lost antisocial ... all that is running through me slowly as I give in all of me ... I feel like a slave of my own mind & heart ... one of them got to take over each time ... & it only makes me weak ... I never harmed someone because of this war I have inside, cause I don't harm people, I'm more into harming myself, ruining myself. And I try to escape this, I act fine around everyone, & that what makes me think maybe I'm strong ... but I'm not strong when I'm by myself ... I'm not strong when my only target is myself .... And I do want to cry without any reason or maybe for many kept inside reasons ... I do wanna scream ... I do wanna break thing get all the anger I have on the world out ... But no I'll sit & drown with my thoughts & pain & sorrow ... anyway I'll end up sleeping like always & escaping from the world & also my mind, or I end up searching for someone to not get me out of the dark shades but to just keep me company in there but I never find them , never will & once I thought I did they saw me insane ... Insanity they would see it if I explained to them but it's just a way to be, I can act sane all day with everyone,& insanity is when you are mentally unable to act sane anymore because what it is sanity? isn't just an act & just because my way of being is different doesn't mean I'm insane, since life is just a melody mine is played differently ... maybe not an ordinary typical way ... but still an available way to be ... & being is safer then not being at all ... it's better then dying .. & no one understands it, no one will ... That's why I'll sink with my mouth shut put some music & when it's time to unleash myself & go to through my shortcut of happiness, I'll dance. #M
whispers... i did it again i drown again save me can you? i cant swim i drown again in those beautiful colours catch me please it takes much thread to stitch an already-stitched heart dive in catch... save me the patchwork has started its work the heart its drowning swallowing tears puking colours i imprisoned myself in a patchwork of unfulfilled dreams colours engulfed me swallowed that gulp! gulp! gulp! drank me up then choked me out i did it again i drown again save me can you?